Treat others the way you want to be treated.
This is the line that we have all heard throughout the years from our parents, ministers, teachers and other well-meaning adults attempting to mold us into considerate human beings. In fact, I have used this line on my own daughters time and time again (usually following a hair-pulling fiasco over the toy one sister possesses and the other sister desires). Although seemingly appropriate, this particular over-used line leads many of us down a not-so-peachy path.
STOP treating others the way you want to be treated.
Treat others the way THEY want to be treated! While you’re at it, teach others how YOU want to be treated at the same time.
So often we get stuck in this cycle of making assumptions of how others want to be treated by us. Because of this, many of our well meaning intentions not only are severely underappreciated, oftentimes they are counterproductive to the relationship and in fact, may diminish the closeness between you and the person you are attempting to connect with.
Here’s a perfect example- My husband LOVES physical touch…I mean, what man doesn’t, right? But seriously though, physical touch is completely his love language. It’s so important to him, it’s a need like drinking water. I, on the other hand, appreciate and love acts of service.
When I come home to a picked up living room and clean dishes after a long day of work, it feels like a breath of fresh air when walking into our home. I immediately feel a weight has been lifted and I can begin the evening motherly duties without the household chores hanging over my head all night. Because I appreciate these acts so much, I assume that when my husband is working late and has to come home to a messy home, this will not allow us to be close. Therefore in going with the “treat others as you want to be treated” scenario, I will bust my butt all evening to make the house spotless for when he walks in the door. This usually leaves me sweaty, stinky, yet satisfied that I have completed my “wifely duties” for the night. He on the other hand is searching for a kiss when he walks in the door and instead I am elbow-deep in Lysol and the last thing on my mind is snuggling up or running off to the bedroom to sneak in a moment while the kids are having dinner. He is left feeling that I value the household more than those who are in it and am willing to exhaust myself to the point that absolutely no additional physical efforts will be made the rest of the evening. I go to bed feeling like an accomplished good wife, he goes to bed feeling rejected and unwanted.
He too has made this same mistake many times. On days when I have about had my fill of the nighttime routine or the responsibilities of my work day, he thinks that a tight hug and a forced snuggle on the couch will be the antidote to all my woes. Although for a brief moment it may be nice, all I can think about at the time is the minutes slipping away and how much I could be getting done instead of sitting on the couch. After all, doesn’t he even SEE the mess this house is in?!? How selfish of him to want to sit on the couch when there is so much to do! How dare he think that I am the kind of mother who’d snuggle on the couch before making her children dinner? How lazy does he think I am? (see where I’m going with this?)
The point is that instead of treating others the way WE want to be treated, we need to treat others the way THEY want to be treated. It is absolutely vital to ensure we remain close with those that are around us the most. If I came home to a picked up house and clean dishes, I would feel at liberty to snuggle on the couch for a few minutes, even before making dinner for the kids. I would feel like he gets me and he would know I desire to be close to him. We’d both be getting what we want.
It is our responsibility to inform our partners of how we want to be treated, because let’s be real, no one is a mind reader! If you are feeling like your partner doesn’t get you or that they are constantly only seeking out their own agenda, I encourage you to ask yourself when was the last time that you told them what you want? I was once told that if we each approach our partners with the question “how can I help YOU today to give ME what I want?” that we’d all be much better off in our marriages…and I couldn’t agree more.
It’s tough. Marriage it tough. Parenthood is tough. Life is tough. The battle is much easier won with strong communication, a clear picture of our needs and our willingness to demand that those needs be met, all the while meeting the needs of our partner.
So much this! I have heard it said that you don’t need to know what it’s like to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, but with another person’s feet. We all have our own needs and it’s our responsibility both to ourselves and those we are close to, to know what our needs are and communicate them respectfully to others …. and listen openly, and with trust, when they try to express their own. If we help our children to understand this, we can hope that they will go into relationships with a few more skills than previous generations have had.
Hello Kath! You are SO right! I love that line about walking with “another person’s feet”, it is so true. I think your point about listening openly to the needs of others is so spot on. As we work to get better at expressing our needs, we must be willing to hear their’s as well. I am so glad this post resonated with you!