Hush

Silence. Pure, true, complete silence.

Who could have known that something that offers absolutely nothing and that by it’s mere existence is the definition of the absence of anything else could be missed so much? I find myself in search of this nothingness at the end of a long day as though it’s something tangible that I can hold in my hand and decide if and when to let it go. Even after the children go to bed and my husband drifts off to sleep, I find this nothingness difficult to find. On a night like tonight, even the soft humming sound of the air moving through the vents in our home is enough to put me over the edge. I lay down on the couch and close my eyes briefly in an effort to clear my head and suddenly the sound of my own blood rushing through my body fills my ears and becomes deafening.

Silence. I am in search of nothingness and the harder I look, the more everything else finds me.

The house that so desperately needs a deep clean seems to be calling out to me. Crying out my name as though I’m the only one that can hear it’s pleas for attention. The soft whimper of my teething infant turns my ears toward her and causes my heart to race, preemptively filling my body with the energy needed to run to her bedside when she cries out to me. I hear my kindergartner mumbling in her sleep and I say a prayer in my head that her grumbling doesn’t wake the 3 year old that shares a room with her.

Silence. I’m beginning to believe that this phenomenon does not exist.

If such a place does exist, it has made it very clear that I am not welcomed there. I have not paid my dues or run the distance or fought the fight or accomplished anything worthy of such nothingness. As I sink into a state that such nothingness may dwell, the world seeps into the corners as the ever constant reminder that I have not yet earned this rest.

Silence. A selfish desire?

Oh yes, I have much in my life. All that demands my attention is the reminder that my efforts are to sustain all that I have been blessed with. I am not short in understanding or gratitude for the noise around me. I do not search for eternal relief, but rather a brief moment of distance where my soul can find rejuvenation. Even a runner that cannot live without the chase gets blisters that hurt like hell sometimes and feet that seek a hot bath. Should I feel guilty that I find myself in the hunt for this nothingness, if only for a moment? To not search and to let the noise consume becomes almost paralytic as I find myself unable to decipher who or what is calling out the loudest.

Silence. I miss you, but I fear you.

I fear the days I know inevitably will be mine where silence will be my companion. One day the chaos and pitter-patter of bare feet upon the kitchen floor will fade into the distance of a long ago memory. Eventually the night time whimpers and out stretched arms will be replaced with rolling eyes and slamming doors. The giggles and lullaby’s will disappear and cell phone ringtones will move in. Rather than spending my evenings exhausted on the couch begging for this nothingness I will spend them by the window waiting for headlights to pull in. Even then it will be temporary and one day I will be given pure, true, complete silence.

Silence………I guess you can take your time.